The Eastern Part Of The World Loves MySpace Stars!

New visitors today from:
Karnataka, India! (Was that you, Sanjaya Malakar?)
Herefordshire, UK!
Seoul, Korea!
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia!

Damien

Name: Damien
Age: 30
Location: Los Angeles, California

Why He's A Star:

• "10K friends... now what" Yes. Exactly. Now what? I don't know? Now... do the dishes? Now...feed the cat? Now... take two steps forward, take two steps back cause opposites attract? Damn, Damien, I don't know. Now what?! He actually has over 13 thousand friends as of last count. NOWWWWWWW What?!?!?!

• He posts pictures of himself with celebrities. Of course, this makes him cool. Except... one picture is with Kevin Federline. Does that count as a celebrity? It's actually pretty funny because Damien bears a striking resemblance to K-Fed. It's like life imitating art, or art imitating art, of fart imitating fart.

• One last thing. He lives in Los Angeles which means he's obviously gay and obviously wants to be an actor, but what kills me is that his myspace address is "straightact." Damien baby, two things: 1.) If you really came off as a straight man, you wouldn't need to announce it. 2.) You said it best; it's an act. You will never actually be straight, so just keep on acting like you are. Come to think of it, this will probably be your only legitimate acting role. Besides cheap porn.
  

If gay white men acting like straight black men is your forte, hit him up.
And Damien, even though you'll never actually be a star, you'll always be a MySpace star to us.

Wendy

Name: Wendy
Age: 53
Location: Kinston, North Carolina

Why She's A Star:

Ohhh my my my, where to begin?

• Well, she applauds herself as being an excellent communicator. She says she can chat with kids, teens, or adults. This makes you wonder, why didn't she just say she can chat with "anyone" instead of "kids, teens, or adults." This explanation of "anyone" gives you a clue as to the kind of friends she has. Additionally, she hasn't forgotten "what it's like to be any age." Except, of course, her own. You're 53, granny. Lose the mini-skirts.

• She says she "listens to the music of today." Then she has an Everlast (1998) video posted. Whitey Ford Sings The Blues, anyone?
  

• This quote:

  "If your [sic] fishing in alot [sic] of crab pots then keep goin [sic], this is the wrong fishing spot for you."

• DRAGONS!
  

So, if you refuse to accept that you're old, check her out. Unless you're fishing in a lot of crab pots. In which case, this isn't your fishing hole. So keep fishing.

We're going global!

We got a visit from Riyadh, Saudi Arabia! (AKA Iraq)
UPDATE: A visit from Winnipeg, Canada! (AKA USA Minor)
UPDATE: A visit from Lunghezza, Italy!

Brendan

Name: Brendan
Age: 18
Location: Harmony, Pennsylvania

Why He's A Star:

• Brendan is one of those kids who pretends like their look "just happens." Like, "I just rolled out of bed this morning and my hair was all emo like this. No, I didn't spend countless hours in the mirror trying to perfect the 'hair-covering-the-eyes' look. It's just how I am." Bitch, PLEASE. Two of his groups are: "hot emo hair", and "cool kids with cool hair." Note to Brendan, you can't create "cool." Unless you're us. In which case this blog is cool, and we created it.

• Most of his friends have that stupid ass "TM" thing at the end of their display name. You know what I mean. It's irritating.

• In his About Me section, after you get passed the pictures of coffee, cigarettes, and what looks like someone attempting to recycle a nazi swastika, you'll see that he's vomitingly in love with some girl who looks like a boy. Another note to Brendan: You're 18. You're not in love. She has crabs.
  

Click here if you wanna dance, dance

William

Name: William
Age: 43
Location: Stamford, Connecticut

Why he's a star:

• He lists God as one of his heroes. I’m sure God was thrilled when his number one plebian fan had his first MySpace profile deleted because of less than kosher pictures.

• His comments section! This section is a clear indication of the deep and meaningful relationship William has with all these fine ladies.


• I get the sneaking suspicion that our dear Snickerbar and Sexy Lydia might have gone to the same highly selective institution of higher learning because they both clearly hate grammar and good taste. And if their ages are correct, this year is their 20th college reunion. We must find out which college they attended. I’m guessing it was Harvard or Princeton.


• I understand he has two kids to support, but if he does, in fact make, $250,000, he should invest in a real digital camera. I mean, I’m in college supporting four kids, a nasty meth habit, a designer denim addiction, and I have a spiffy digital camera. Maybe Wills should buy The Secret to help him out.


• HIS PICTURES! Oh, good Lord the pictures are a God send. You’d think he’d be able to get one of his model friends to snap a picture of those lips. The one of his abs looks like it was taken by his peen. C’mon, Wills.
  

On a more serious note, Snickerbar is looking for models, actors, and actresses for his business so if you want to be in a commercial for the Stamford branch of Dunder Mifflin, get at him.

Beau

Name: Beau
Age: 22
Location: Starkville, Mississippi

Why he's a star:

• Beau keeps it real. A quick perusal of his oh-so-candid "About Me" section reveals just how simple his mind is (the mechanics of Velcro baffle him), and that he's kind of a whiny drunk who, "hope[s] to be a nursing anesthetist in the someday."
• He has impeccable taste in music. Listen here, Beau. You can't tell me that you like crap bands like Creed and throw in Marvin Gaye at the end like it's going to score you points. We all know you meant to list Nickelback as one of your favorites anyway.
• He says he'd like to meet Jesus which kind of explains that affinity to Creed *shudder*. All I have to say is keep up the whiny "About Me" section and the uber douchebaggy pictures, and I can help you meet Jesus a little sooner; I like to make dreams come true.
• He's sick and tired of the media and doesn't see it fit to delete his profile. Oh, Beau, you're a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, dipped in beer.
  

Beau's a real catch who will demolish your foam pillow, serenade you with Creed, and cuddle you to death.

The Pictures:

If you're hero is a company that produces so-so beer, here's your new bestie.

Bobby

Name: Bobby "Banger"
Age: 22
Location : "j-action ville", North Carolina

Why he's a star:

• He's already an alcoholic and the war isn't even over! Usually it takes at least 10 years for a veteran to develop a nasty relationship with grandpa's medicine, but not Bobby.

• Repetitive use of "the shocker." Yes, two-in-the-pink, one-in-the-stink is pretty funny. However, it makes it pretty obvious that he likes ass-play.

• He's somehow managed to dodge that whole "don't ask, don't tell" thing -- commendable considering his flamboyance.
  

salute your shorts

Bklyn Finest1

Name: Bklyn Finest1
Age: 21
Location: Nike Florida But Mind In Jordan Brooklyn NY

Why he's a star:

• In his about me section, he lets us know that he’s the Brooklyn Bridge and he’s “fabulous.” He might look all rough and tumble, but he totally listed his orientation as, “no answer.” He totes listens to Caushun.
• He thinks that Sidekicks are a sign of keeping it gangsta, and let’s face it folks, they are. If T-Mobile were smart, they’d make an effort to join forces with the first of Bklyn’s finest. Talk about untapped resources.
• He has slideshow that puts all slideshows to shame. His captions make him sound like a 13-year-old girl at times, but the best part has to be his obsession with shoes and his Chanel sunglasses.

• He lists himself as his hero. Let’s ease up on the Haterade and be real here because this fine young man is a hero to us all. Bklyn keeps it gangsta, he shaves jazzy messages into his hair, but most importantly, he’s ballin’ and we ain’t.

The Pictures:

Bklyn, has a host of gems hidden in his profile, and if you are fluent in Balla, you can read up on him. If you're Christina Milian, love reggaeton, or are just a pleb who wants to get in touch with Bklyn, check him out right here.

Justin

Name: Justin
Age: 18
Location: Lexington, Kentucky

Why he's a star:

• He blends his rough edge with a genuine offer of friendship. "IMMA CRIP SO FUKK ALL YALL BLOODZ.... AND IF U HAVE YAHOO U CAN HIT ME UP" Aww, Justin.
• He (predictably) has one of those obnoxious surveys posted. In it he lists his favorite store as "Spencerz." You know what kind of people shop at Spencer's Gift Shop. Go ahead, imagine all of the psychedelic posters that come alive when he flips on his black light. But, really, where else are you going to get a bean bag with the Insane Clown Posse on it? Nowhere.
• Perhaps my favorite part of his survey is when he answers "career" under the "future" section with: "GO INTO DA ARMY." Well, at least he understands his options.

This is the future generation, folks. Ya feelz meh?

The Pictures:

holla at a brotha

Lydia

Name: Lydia
Age: 42
Location: ELIZABETH, New Jersey

Why she's a star:

• A complete lack of any grammatical skills at such an advanced age definitely qualifies her as a star.
• According to her About Me section, she's "divorces" with two "teen age" kids. Also, she's "very adventurist," which is a good quality to have if you're ever going to find someone that will accept that you're an idiot.
• She does that thing that all Puerto Ricans do. You know what I mean. That "pride" shit. Note the beautiful background of what looks like a penitentiary superimposed on top of a Puerto Rican flag.
• She's also looking for friends who can "party decently." If you think this is you, then go ahead and add her as a friend. Otherwise, peace out papi.

THE PICTURES:

Check her out and for added fun, check out her underage son drinking here and her daughter's excessive use of swear words here.