Ashley

Name: Ashley
Age: 18
Location: Miami, Florida

Why she's a star:

• The fifth picture in her general interests section reveals Ashley might be friends with New York from her "Flavor of Love" days.
• She ain't no ho, so all you haters can just step back. Also she warns that she will spontaneously break into her peroxide and lip gloss laden rendition of pop lock and drop it dance, so you might want to keep a taser nearby of you intend on going on a leisurely walk with her.
• She's an aspiring fashion designer who loves Uggs and hates skinny, pretty people. Well, Ash, good luck having your clothes modeled by zaftig trolls. Maybe in time you and your Abercrombie worshiping ass will be welcomed to the fashion world with open arms by sartorially illiterate, chubby mall rats.
  
• She counts philanthropists like Nicole Richie (rexy), Lindsay Lohan (recovering rexy), Paris Hilton, and that chick from "The Hills" among her heroes. Also on the list are Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp. You just know those two are just looking at each other like, "Aw, hell naw. I do charity work. I was nominated for a friggin' Oscar, and those hos flashed their bukilukis to cameras. I deserve no such company. Take me off the list." Meanwhile Carmen Electra is crying over her Red Bull and Stoli.
  
• She slices most of her friends out of her pictures. I can't blame her, though, they're probably pretty and anorexic, and Miss Ashley don't play dat.

The Pictures

I think Ashley should and Damien should hook up. They can go tanning together and then hop on over to the salon to have their hair fried. She can tell him about the splendor that is New Jersey, and he can tell her about the time he met K-Fed. Plus, their brood would have a monopoly on Mensa.

Mikey - Reader Nomination

Name: Mikey B.
Age: 21
Location: Albany, NY

Why he's a star:

• This is our very first reader-nominated star. He was referred to us by a (probably) awesome guy! We want to blow the guy who sent us this nomination. and swallow!

• So this guy is hard to pick apart because he gives very little in his About Me section. This means that he can A) not write B) is even boring to himself, or C) recently lost his fingers, rendering him incapable of typing a shitty About Me section and therefore providing me with no material.

• I'm trying hard, like... as hard as Chris Richardson on American Idol makes me, to figure out just what the fuck this guy does for work. He says that he's a Fashion Designer (meaning he probably sketches Lara Croft-esque outfits and things in a notebook from time to time), a Business Marketer for Fashion (meaning he makes everyone look at his shitty drawings of outfits), and a Music Promoter (meaning he plays his favorite songs really loudly with the windows of his mom's car down). In all honestly, this guy probably does have a real job. Let's see: Fashion Deisgner + Business Marketer + Music Promoter = Waiter at Applebee's.

• He has this big, long list of videos of people filming themselves saying "hello" to him. This works in two ways. 1) Boosting his self-esteem, and 2) Making all the people who type "hello" look sooooo http://www.
  

Quick! Add this guy before his self-esteem plummets and he breaks out ol' Tetanus Jones. Tetanus Jones, just in case you were wondering, is the name of a fictitious razor blade cartoon character that I just now made up. Tetanus Jones is black, btw.

Damien

Name: Damien
Age: 30
Location: Los Angeles, California

Why He's A Star:

• "10K friends... now what" Yes. Exactly. Now what? I don't know? Now... do the dishes? Now...feed the cat? Now... take two steps forward, take two steps back cause opposites attract? Damn, Damien, I don't know. Now what?! He actually has over 13 thousand friends as of last count. NOWWWWWWW What?!?!?!

• He posts pictures of himself with celebrities. Of course, this makes him cool. Except... one picture is with Kevin Federline. Does that count as a celebrity? It's actually pretty funny because Damien bears a striking resemblance to K-Fed. It's like life imitating art, or art imitating art, of fart imitating fart.

• One last thing. He lives in Los Angeles which means he's obviously gay and obviously wants to be an actor, but what kills me is that his myspace address is "straightact." Damien baby, two things: 1.) If you really came off as a straight man, you wouldn't need to announce it. 2.) You said it best; it's an act. You will never actually be straight, so just keep on acting like you are. Come to think of it, this will probably be your only legitimate acting role. Besides cheap porn.
  

If gay white men acting like straight black men is your forte, hit him up.
And Damien, even though you'll never actually be a star, you'll always be a MySpace star to us.