Friday, April 13, 2007


Name: Ashley
Age: 18
Location: Miami, Florida

Why she's a star:
  • The fifth picture in her general interests section reveals Ashley might be friends with New York from her "Flavor of Love" days.
  • She ain't no ho, so all you haters can just step back. Also she warns that she will spontaneously break into her peroxide and lip gloss laden rendition of pop lock and drop it dance, so you might want to keep a taser nearby of you intend on going on a leisurely walk with her.
  • She's an aspiring fashion designer who loves Uggs and hates skinny, pretty people. Well, Ash, good luck having your clothes modeled by zaftig trolls. Maybe in time you and your Abercrombie worshiping ass will be welcomed to the fashion world with open arms by sartorially illiterate, chubby mall rats.
  • She counts philanthropists like Nicole Richie (rexy), Lindsay Lohan (recovering rexy), Paris Hilton, and that chick from "The Hills" among her heroes. Also on the list are Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp. You just know those two are just looking at each other like, "Aw, hell naw. I do charity work. I was nominated for a friggin' Oscar, and those hos flashed their bukilukis to cameras. I deserve no such company. Take me off the list." Meanwhile Carmen Electra is crying over her Red Bull and Stoli.
  • She slices most of her friends out of her pictures. I can't blame her, though, they're probably pretty and anorexic, and Miss Ashley don't play dat.
The Pictures

I think Ashley should and Damien should hook up. They can go tanning together and then hop on over to the salon to have their hair fried. She can tell him about the splendor that is New Jersey, and he can tell her about the time he met K-Fed. Plus, their brood would have a monopoly on Mensa.

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