Rachel

Name: Rachel
Age: Who knows
Location: Inver, NZ

Why she's a star

• Omgz, guyz! Rachel totes LOVES Connor Oberst, like whoa. Which is great because the world really needs more pimply teens who idolize a guy who probably hates them. You see, she loves him, he loves her not, and one day she'll realize that dear ol' Bright Eyes doesn't know she exists, and she'll be even more emo. It's kind of like the thing Anderson Cooper and I have, but I'm not weak like Rachel, Anderson. I'm going to keep on trying to get closer to you. You hear me, Coop? I'm a fighter like X-tina.
• Homegirl needs to put less effort into her nauseating, pink profile, and put more effort into her learnin'. I would tell you to read her about me section, but I care about you and I fear your blood pressure might spike.
• She's honest. In one of the only properly spelled blurbs in her about me section Rachy confesses that she hates the way she looks. I hear ya, Rachel. I kinda hate the way you look too. Also in her unintelligible survey, when asked about her best feature, she says none. The girl knows of what she speaks.
• Rachel might have "embraced" the ugg, but she's not all that forthcoming with her music choices. First of all, she's, like, 12. A look at her 25 Most Played playlist on her iTunes would, no doubt, reveal she’s not as indie as she claims to be. You know she gets down to radio friendly tunes like we honest folk do. I prefer Feist over Fergie, but let’s be real here. Plus, Justin Timberlake is way cuter than Conor Oberst.

The Pictures





Rachel, meet me at camera four. Let me ask you something woman to twatwaffle, Rache. If you think you're so disgusting, why take a bazillion pictures of yourself? Are you fishing for compliments or something? Go on, git. I can't even look at you right now.