Justin

Name: Justin
Age: 26
Location: Burlington, Vermont

Why he's a star:

• Justin says this, "I tell it how it is. No sugarcoated bullshit. In my book, the sickest style is flip-flops - no matter what the season or occasion" and means it. Really, Justin? The sickest style? You all know what that means, Justin's the douche bag who wears flip-flops and shorts in the middle of a nor'easter. If you ask him about being cold, you better run like the wind because if one more person asks him that question, he swears to God...
  
• He's freakin' diesel! I mean it. This guy loves life and is determined to live the shit out of it. He's like a Red Bull, North Face and Jeep commercial just waiting to happen. I get the feeling that he doesn't even stop to use the WC, he just pisses his pants and trots along because you've just GO TO live life, man. Toilets are for the weak.
• Hey, ladies, if you you want to get with Justin you need to be willing to go out to crunchy granola pubs in Burlington. Don't ask for mojitos unless you like being ridiculed. It's straight microbrew and Guinness for this crowd. Oh, and you need to get shitfaced, snuggle the night away, and wake up at 8 am the next day for a day of hand to hand combat on a boulder. Also, you might want to stop smelling your piss, because he's going to make you eat asparagus.
• He's a dude dude. This is the level of dude where you're exempt from having your sexuality questioned because your taste is that tooly. Justin's book choices can lure any Loosey Gooosey into bed, but the rest of his interests are straight dude. Buuuut, he likes Freakonomics, so I'm on Team Justin.

The Pictures

I would love to go hiking or bouldering with Justin so that I can be a pussy and whine about needing a Starbucks, or tell him that someone should pave some sidewalks so I don't ruin my shoes. Actually maybe I'll challenge him to a dance off. Have you seen me kill it during Darrin's Dance Grooves? Ain't no lie, bye, bye, bye.

DanielKevin- Reader Nomination

Name: DanielKevin (one boring name would have sufficed, thankyouverymuch)
Age: 22
Location: Charlotte, North Carolina

Why he's a star:

• He's God's gift to men, and if you can't handle that, then step the eff away, bitch. Also if, you're fat and ugly step waaaay the eff away. DannyK, or Danny T. Kane as I like to call him, don't share no air with no fatties.
  
• He has this intoxicating delusion of grandeur that can lure gas out of your asshole. I have no clue what that means, but he actually thinks that the length of his hair is a controversial topic. Like people are begging him not to grow his hair out (probably because they know it looks like shit when it's long), and he's like, "No, haters. I need to do what I feel like doing, so let me go, and just listen."
• After talking about how awesome he is, and how people want to know what it's like to be him, he's all, "I'm a visual manager at forever21." Yeah, Danny T. Kane, I'm sure people are dying to know more about your luxurious life dressing mannequins and hanging "75% off of all sequined & bedazzled tops" signs in your store's window. For realz, DKnotY, when someone sees you steaming the season's hottest black and silver polyester trousers and asks you for a size, do you snap your fingers and tell them to be gone? Better yet, tell me your decal application techniques. f
  
• Oy vey! Enough with the pictures of yourself already, Danny T. It's difficult to tell if the overabundance of pictures of himself NOT in his photo section is result of narcissism, or simply because he has no representation, and he's praying Becky from "The Agency" will somehow stumble upon his profile and declare, "Bloo'y hell! This ki' is f*ckin' magic. I've go'uh put him on me, list...blah, blah, blah Mathias Lauridsen, blah, blah, that super hot guy from the J.Crew catalogues. Buttah!" There is one picture where he pretends to put a gun to his head. I say do it! I keed, Danny T. Take pills, that way you won't mess up your face.

The Pictures

DenialKevin has many interests, like, you know himself. If you too are interested in him, there are PLENTY of pictures you can look at right here. But people, people, don't say anything about his hair. He'll sic his Forever21 posse on you, and that's bound to get ugly.

Mikey - Reader Nomination

Name: Mikey B.
Age: 21
Location: Albany, NY

Why he's a star:

• This is our very first reader-nominated star. He was referred to us by a (probably) awesome guy! We want to blow the guy who sent us this nomination. and swallow!

• So this guy is hard to pick apart because he gives very little in his About Me section. This means that he can A) not write B) is even boring to himself, or C) recently lost his fingers, rendering him incapable of typing a shitty About Me section and therefore providing me with no material.

• I'm trying hard, like... as hard as Chris Richardson on American Idol makes me, to figure out just what the fuck this guy does for work. He says that he's a Fashion Designer (meaning he probably sketches Lara Croft-esque outfits and things in a notebook from time to time), a Business Marketer for Fashion (meaning he makes everyone look at his shitty drawings of outfits), and a Music Promoter (meaning he plays his favorite songs really loudly with the windows of his mom's car down). In all honestly, this guy probably does have a real job. Let's see: Fashion Deisgner + Business Marketer + Music Promoter = Waiter at Applebee's.

• He has this big, long list of videos of people filming themselves saying "hello" to him. This works in two ways. 1) Boosting his self-esteem, and 2) Making all the people who type "hello" look sooooo http://www.
  

Quick! Add this guy before his self-esteem plummets and he breaks out ol' Tetanus Jones. Tetanus Jones, just in case you were wondering, is the name of a fictitious razor blade cartoon character that I just now made up. Tetanus Jones is black, btw.

Chris

Name: Chris
Age: 17
Location: Seminole, Florida

Why he's a star:

• He showers with your mom.
  
• Chris is a player. I stumbled upon one of his profiles, and nearly used it because it's that good, but the pictures were too small. The main reason I didn't use him, though, was because he said he was looking for a relationship, but then he kind of broke my heart when I saw that he was already in a relationship. Imagine my surprise when I saw his handsome face again. This time his photos were big enough to use and he was single (there is a God).
• He's packin' huge, ladies and gentlemen. Not only is he the white Wilt Chamberlain, but in his profile where he's listed as being in a relationship, he also lets us know that he's a shy kisser, and an energizer bunny in bed. Nope, he's not overcompensating at all. My man Chris is honest. I mean, I read that and think, "I gosta get me a one-way plane ticket to Seminole, FL."
• His single profile has more surveys than a 14-year-old girl's. One survey, in particular, reveals a lot about him; he has self deprecating charm, and when it comes to his sexuality, homeboy is clearly figuring things out. When asked if he thought he looked good he gives the ole, "Nah, but everyone says I'm good looking." When asked if he's kissed someone of the opposite sex, he fires back with, "of course." How dare you ask that? He's a man's man. Chris gets down all day every day. He luuurves the ladies, especially Madonna, Kylie Minogue, Christina Aguilera and Cher...in concert.
  

The Pictures

Get to know Chirs, or Negro Thunder as he likes to call himself, as a taken man, or as a single guy.

Damien

Name: Damien
Age: 30
Location: Los Angeles, California

Why He's A Star:

• "10K friends... now what" Yes. Exactly. Now what? I don't know? Now... do the dishes? Now...feed the cat? Now... take two steps forward, take two steps back cause opposites attract? Damn, Damien, I don't know. Now what?! He actually has over 13 thousand friends as of last count. NOWWWWWWW What?!?!?!

• He posts pictures of himself with celebrities. Of course, this makes him cool. Except... one picture is with Kevin Federline. Does that count as a celebrity? It's actually pretty funny because Damien bears a striking resemblance to K-Fed. It's like life imitating art, or art imitating art, of fart imitating fart.

• One last thing. He lives in Los Angeles which means he's obviously gay and obviously wants to be an actor, but what kills me is that his myspace address is "straightact." Damien baby, two things: 1.) If you really came off as a straight man, you wouldn't need to announce it. 2.) You said it best; it's an act. You will never actually be straight, so just keep on acting like you are. Come to think of it, this will probably be your only legitimate acting role. Besides cheap porn.
  

If gay white men acting like straight black men is your forte, hit him up.
And Damien, even though you'll never actually be a star, you'll always be a MySpace star to us.

William

Name: William
Age: 43
Location: Stamford, Connecticut

Why he's a star:

• He lists God as one of his heroes. I’m sure God was thrilled when his number one plebian fan had his first MySpace profile deleted because of less than kosher pictures.

• His comments section! This section is a clear indication of the deep and meaningful relationship William has with all these fine ladies.


• I get the sneaking suspicion that our dear Snickerbar and Sexy Lydia might have gone to the same highly selective institution of higher learning because they both clearly hate grammar and good taste. And if their ages are correct, this year is their 20th college reunion. We must find out which college they attended. I’m guessing it was Harvard or Princeton.


• I understand he has two kids to support, but if he does, in fact make, $250,000, he should invest in a real digital camera. I mean, I’m in college supporting four kids, a nasty meth habit, a designer denim addiction, and I have a spiffy digital camera. Maybe Wills should buy The Secret to help him out.


• HIS PICTURES! Oh, good Lord the pictures are a God send. You’d think he’d be able to get one of his model friends to snap a picture of those lips. The one of his abs looks like it was taken by his peen. C’mon, Wills.
  

On a more serious note, Snickerbar is looking for models, actors, and actresses for his business so if you want to be in a commercial for the Stamford branch of Dunder Mifflin, get at him.

Beau

Name: Beau
Age: 22
Location: Starkville, Mississippi

Why he's a star:

• Beau keeps it real. A quick perusal of his oh-so-candid "About Me" section reveals just how simple his mind is (the mechanics of Velcro baffle him), and that he's kind of a whiny drunk who, "hope[s] to be a nursing anesthetist in the someday."
• He has impeccable taste in music. Listen here, Beau. You can't tell me that you like crap bands like Creed and throw in Marvin Gaye at the end like it's going to score you points. We all know you meant to list Nickelback as one of your favorites anyway.
• He says he'd like to meet Jesus which kind of explains that affinity to Creed *shudder*. All I have to say is keep up the whiny "About Me" section and the uber douchebaggy pictures, and I can help you meet Jesus a little sooner; I like to make dreams come true.
• He's sick and tired of the media and doesn't see it fit to delete his profile. Oh, Beau, you're a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, dipped in beer.
  

Beau's a real catch who will demolish your foam pillow, serenade you with Creed, and cuddle you to death.

The Pictures:

If you're hero is a company that produces so-so beer, here's your new bestie.

Bobby

Name: Bobby "Banger"
Age: 22
Location : "j-action ville", North Carolina

Why he's a star:

• He's already an alcoholic and the war isn't even over! Usually it takes at least 10 years for a veteran to develop a nasty relationship with grandpa's medicine, but not Bobby.

• Repetitive use of "the shocker." Yes, two-in-the-pink, one-in-the-stink is pretty funny. However, it makes it pretty obvious that he likes ass-play.

• He's somehow managed to dodge that whole "don't ask, don't tell" thing -- commendable considering his flamboyance.
  

salute your shorts

Bklyn Finest1

Name: Bklyn Finest1
Age: 21
Location: Nike Florida But Mind In Jordan Brooklyn NY

Why he's a star:

• In his about me section, he lets us know that he’s the Brooklyn Bridge and he’s “fabulous.” He might look all rough and tumble, but he totally listed his orientation as, “no answer.” He totes listens to Caushun.
• He thinks that Sidekicks are a sign of keeping it gangsta, and let’s face it folks, they are. If T-Mobile were smart, they’d make an effort to join forces with the first of Bklyn’s finest. Talk about untapped resources.
• He has slideshow that puts all slideshows to shame. His captions make him sound like a 13-year-old girl at times, but the best part has to be his obsession with shoes and his Chanel sunglasses.

• He lists himself as his hero. Let’s ease up on the Haterade and be real here because this fine young man is a hero to us all. Bklyn keeps it gangsta, he shaves jazzy messages into his hair, but most importantly, he’s ballin’ and we ain’t.

The Pictures:

Bklyn, has a host of gems hidden in his profile, and if you are fluent in Balla, you can read up on him. If you're Christina Milian, love reggaeton, or are just a pleb who wants to get in touch with Bklyn, check him out right here.