Rachel

Name: Rachel
Age: Who knows
Location: Inver, NZ

Why she's a star

• Omgz, guyz! Rachel totes LOVES Connor Oberst, like whoa. Which is great because the world really needs more pimply teens who idolize a guy who probably hates them. You see, she loves him, he loves her not, and one day she'll realize that dear ol' Bright Eyes doesn't know she exists, and she'll be even more emo. It's kind of like the thing Anderson Cooper and I have, but I'm not weak like Rachel, Anderson. I'm going to keep on trying to get closer to you. You hear me, Coop? I'm a fighter like X-tina.
• Homegirl needs to put less effort into her nauseating, pink profile, and put more effort into her learnin'. I would tell you to read her about me section, but I care about you and I fear your blood pressure might spike.
• She's honest. In one of the only properly spelled blurbs in her about me section Rachy confesses that she hates the way she looks. I hear ya, Rachel. I kinda hate the way you look too. Also in her unintelligible survey, when asked about her best feature, she says none. The girl knows of what she speaks.
• Rachel might have "embraced" the ugg, but she's not all that forthcoming with her music choices. First of all, she's, like, 12. A look at her 25 Most Played playlist on her iTunes would, no doubt, reveal she’s not as indie as she claims to be. You know she gets down to radio friendly tunes like we honest folk do. I prefer Feist over Fergie, but let’s be real here. Plus, Justin Timberlake is way cuter than Conor Oberst.

The Pictures





Rachel, meet me at camera four. Let me ask you something woman to twatwaffle, Rache. If you think you're so disgusting, why take a bazillion pictures of yourself? Are you fishing for compliments or something? Go on, git. I can't even look at you right now.

Monica

Name: Monica
Age: 21
Location: In or around Grinnell, Iowa

Why she's a star:

• She doesn't contextualize anything. I've met people like that, and I hate them. Instead of answering the damn question they retort with some inane drivel about a glass of water, the universe and elephants. Shut it, and just tell the cashier if you want your receipt in the bag.
  

• Though her choice in colleges might suggest otherwise, homegirl is a pseudointellectual. I know what you're thinking, "Oh, Pamela. You're a sage goddess and Jess Stam ain't nothing on you." You'd be right in thinking so, but you'd also be right in questioning my logic. A gander at Monica's interest section makes it all crystal clear. Rather than list an author's most resonant work, she just lists the author's name because she's read everything the author has put to paper. She's that book learn'd, y'all. Plus, you know she read Canterbury Tales for fun...when she was 10.
  

• What, bitch? Under your favorite television show you say,"saucer-like eyes drift towards their respective sides and separate, never to be considered a pair again.." First of all ellipses have three periods, secondly, we get it you don't watch television. But if Kurt Vonnegut had a show, you know this ho would snuggle up on the couch with a jar of vegan con queso and seaweed chips and watch til the sky is gray, trees wilting from guilt of the punishing earth..

• She says that she's an aesthete by profession, but she also procures proselytes (a term she totally ganked from an art history course) which pretty much means that she's one of those gallery snobs who smokes cloves, tries super hard to come across as obsceuro* and pimps out chickenheads on the side.

The Pictures

As you can tell by the quick summary of her [insert pretentious adjective here] profile, Monica is h to the il HILARIOUS! Check her out here. Who knows maybe she'll want to meet up to ponder Polaroids over some baby arugula mint tea and organic Peruvian orphans..

*Obscuero: obscure and Euro.

Brendan

Name: Brendan
Age: 18
Location: Harmony, Pennsylvania

Why He's A Star:

• Brendan is one of those kids who pretends like their look "just happens." Like, "I just rolled out of bed this morning and my hair was all emo like this. No, I didn't spend countless hours in the mirror trying to perfect the 'hair-covering-the-eyes' look. It's just how I am." Bitch, PLEASE. Two of his groups are: "hot emo hair", and "cool kids with cool hair." Note to Brendan, you can't create "cool." Unless you're us. In which case this blog is cool, and we created it.

• Most of his friends have that stupid ass "TM" thing at the end of their display name. You know what I mean. It's irritating.

• In his About Me section, after you get passed the pictures of coffee, cigarettes, and what looks like someone attempting to recycle a nazi swastika, you'll see that he's vomitingly in love with some girl who looks like a boy. Another note to Brendan: You're 18. You're not in love. She has crabs.
  

Click here if you wanna dance, dance