Beau

Name: Beau
Age: 22
Location: Starkville, Mississippi

Why he's a star:

• Beau keeps it real. A quick perusal of his oh-so-candid "About Me" section reveals just how simple his mind is (the mechanics of Velcro baffle him), and that he's kind of a whiny drunk who, "hope[s] to be a nursing anesthetist in the someday."
• He has impeccable taste in music. Listen here, Beau. You can't tell me that you like crap bands like Creed and throw in Marvin Gaye at the end like it's going to score you points. We all know you meant to list Nickelback as one of your favorites anyway.
• He says he'd like to meet Jesus which kind of explains that affinity to Creed *shudder*. All I have to say is keep up the whiny "About Me" section and the uber douchebaggy pictures, and I can help you meet Jesus a little sooner; I like to make dreams come true.
• He's sick and tired of the media and doesn't see it fit to delete his profile. Oh, Beau, you're a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, dipped in beer.
  

Beau's a real catch who will demolish your foam pillow, serenade you with Creed, and cuddle you to death.

The Pictures:

If you're hero is a company that produces so-so beer, here's your new bestie.

Bobby

Name: Bobby "Banger"
Age: 22
Location : "j-action ville", North Carolina

Why he's a star:

• He's already an alcoholic and the war isn't even over! Usually it takes at least 10 years for a veteran to develop a nasty relationship with grandpa's medicine, but not Bobby.

• Repetitive use of "the shocker." Yes, two-in-the-pink, one-in-the-stink is pretty funny. However, it makes it pretty obvious that he likes ass-play.

• He's somehow managed to dodge that whole "don't ask, don't tell" thing -- commendable considering his flamboyance.
  

salute your shorts