Ashley

Name: Ashley
Age: 18
Location: Miami, Florida

Why she's a star:

• The fifth picture in her general interests section reveals Ashley might be friends with New York from her "Flavor of Love" days.
• She ain't no ho, so all you haters can just step back. Also she warns that she will spontaneously break into her peroxide and lip gloss laden rendition of pop lock and drop it dance, so you might want to keep a taser nearby of you intend on going on a leisurely walk with her.
• She's an aspiring fashion designer who loves Uggs and hates skinny, pretty people. Well, Ash, good luck having your clothes modeled by zaftig trolls. Maybe in time you and your Abercrombie worshiping ass will be welcomed to the fashion world with open arms by sartorially illiterate, chubby mall rats.
  
• She counts philanthropists like Nicole Richie (rexy), Lindsay Lohan (recovering rexy), Paris Hilton, and that chick from "The Hills" among her heroes. Also on the list are Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp. You just know those two are just looking at each other like, "Aw, hell naw. I do charity work. I was nominated for a friggin' Oscar, and those hos flashed their bukilukis to cameras. I deserve no such company. Take me off the list." Meanwhile Carmen Electra is crying over her Red Bull and Stoli.
  
• She slices most of her friends out of her pictures. I can't blame her, though, they're probably pretty and anorexic, and Miss Ashley don't play dat.

The Pictures

I think Ashley should and Damien should hook up. They can go tanning together and then hop on over to the salon to have their hair fried. She can tell him about the splendor that is New Jersey, and he can tell her about the time he met K-Fed. Plus, their brood would have a monopoly on Mensa.

Bklyn Finest1

Name: Bklyn Finest1
Age: 21
Location: Nike Florida But Mind In Jordan Brooklyn NY

Why he's a star:

• In his about me section, he lets us know that he’s the Brooklyn Bridge and he’s “fabulous.” He might look all rough and tumble, but he totally listed his orientation as, “no answer.” He totes listens to Caushun.
• He thinks that Sidekicks are a sign of keeping it gangsta, and let’s face it folks, they are. If T-Mobile were smart, they’d make an effort to join forces with the first of Bklyn’s finest. Talk about untapped resources.
• He has slideshow that puts all slideshows to shame. His captions make him sound like a 13-year-old girl at times, but the best part has to be his obsession with shoes and his Chanel sunglasses.

• He lists himself as his hero. Let’s ease up on the Haterade and be real here because this fine young man is a hero to us all. Bklyn keeps it gangsta, he shaves jazzy messages into his hair, but most importantly, he’s ballin’ and we ain’t.

The Pictures:

Bklyn, has a host of gems hidden in his profile, and if you are fluent in Balla, you can read up on him. If you're Christina Milian, love reggaeton, or are just a pleb who wants to get in touch with Bklyn, check him out right here.

Justin

Name: Justin
Age: 18
Location: Lexington, Kentucky

Why he's a star:

• He blends his rough edge with a genuine offer of friendship. "IMMA CRIP SO FUKK ALL YALL BLOODZ.... AND IF U HAVE YAHOO U CAN HIT ME UP" Aww, Justin.
• He (predictably) has one of those obnoxious surveys posted. In it he lists his favorite store as "Spencerz." You know what kind of people shop at Spencer's Gift Shop. Go ahead, imagine all of the psychedelic posters that come alive when he flips on his black light. But, really, where else are you going to get a bean bag with the Insane Clown Posse on it? Nowhere.
• Perhaps my favorite part of his survey is when he answers "career" under the "future" section with: "GO INTO DA ARMY." Well, at least he understands his options.

This is the future generation, folks. Ya feelz meh?

The Pictures:

holla at a brotha