Ashley

Name: Ashley
Age: 18
Location: Miami, Florida

Why she's a star:

• The fifth picture in her general interests section reveals Ashley might be friends with New York from her "Flavor of Love" days.
• She ain't no ho, so all you haters can just step back. Also she warns that she will spontaneously break into her peroxide and lip gloss laden rendition of pop lock and drop it dance, so you might want to keep a taser nearby of you intend on going on a leisurely walk with her.
• She's an aspiring fashion designer who loves Uggs and hates skinny, pretty people. Well, Ash, good luck having your clothes modeled by zaftig trolls. Maybe in time you and your Abercrombie worshiping ass will be welcomed to the fashion world with open arms by sartorially illiterate, chubby mall rats.
  
• She counts philanthropists like Nicole Richie (rexy), Lindsay Lohan (recovering rexy), Paris Hilton, and that chick from "The Hills" among her heroes. Also on the list are Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp. You just know those two are just looking at each other like, "Aw, hell naw. I do charity work. I was nominated for a friggin' Oscar, and those hos flashed their bukilukis to cameras. I deserve no such company. Take me off the list." Meanwhile Carmen Electra is crying over her Red Bull and Stoli.
  
• She slices most of her friends out of her pictures. I can't blame her, though, they're probably pretty and anorexic, and Miss Ashley don't play dat.

The Pictures

I think Ashley should and Damien should hook up. They can go tanning together and then hop on over to the salon to have their hair fried. She can tell him about the splendor that is New Jersey, and he can tell her about the time he met K-Fed. Plus, their brood would have a monopoly on Mensa.

Rachel

Name: Rachel
Age: Who knows
Location: Inver, NZ

Why she's a star

• Omgz, guyz! Rachel totes LOVES Connor Oberst, like whoa. Which is great because the world really needs more pimply teens who idolize a guy who probably hates them. You see, she loves him, he loves her not, and one day she'll realize that dear ol' Bright Eyes doesn't know she exists, and she'll be even more emo. It's kind of like the thing Anderson Cooper and I have, but I'm not weak like Rachel, Anderson. I'm going to keep on trying to get closer to you. You hear me, Coop? I'm a fighter like X-tina.
• Homegirl needs to put less effort into her nauseating, pink profile, and put more effort into her learnin'. I would tell you to read her about me section, but I care about you and I fear your blood pressure might spike.
• She's honest. In one of the only properly spelled blurbs in her about me section Rachy confesses that she hates the way she looks. I hear ya, Rachel. I kinda hate the way you look too. Also in her unintelligible survey, when asked about her best feature, she says none. The girl knows of what she speaks.
• Rachel might have "embraced" the ugg, but she's not all that forthcoming with her music choices. First of all, she's, like, 12. A look at her 25 Most Played playlist on her iTunes would, no doubt, reveal she’s not as indie as she claims to be. You know she gets down to radio friendly tunes like we honest folk do. I prefer Feist over Fergie, but let’s be real here. Plus, Justin Timberlake is way cuter than Conor Oberst.

The Pictures





Rachel, meet me at camera four. Let me ask you something woman to twatwaffle, Rache. If you think you're so disgusting, why take a bazillion pictures of yourself? Are you fishing for compliments or something? Go on, git. I can't even look at you right now.