We're Baaaaack!

By this point, I'm sure we've lost, like, ALL of our valued readers. Fear not! We will return. We will continue to troll the internets and the MySpaces to bring you the tools, douche bags, and cheesy hipsters we know you love so dearly. Until then, chew on this HIGHlarious video, and remember, kids, drugs are bad. Check back for new posts soon.

Justin

Name: Justin
Age: 26
Location: Burlington, Vermont

Why he's a star:

• Justin says this, "I tell it how it is. No sugarcoated bullshit. In my book, the sickest style is flip-flops - no matter what the season or occasion" and means it. Really, Justin? The sickest style? You all know what that means, Justin's the douche bag who wears flip-flops and shorts in the middle of a nor'easter. If you ask him about being cold, you better run like the wind because if one more person asks him that question, he swears to God...
  
• He's freakin' diesel! I mean it. This guy loves life and is determined to live the shit out of it. He's like a Red Bull, North Face and Jeep commercial just waiting to happen. I get the feeling that he doesn't even stop to use the WC, he just pisses his pants and trots along because you've just GO TO live life, man. Toilets are for the weak.
• Hey, ladies, if you you want to get with Justin you need to be willing to go out to crunchy granola pubs in Burlington. Don't ask for mojitos unless you like being ridiculed. It's straight microbrew and Guinness for this crowd. Oh, and you need to get shitfaced, snuggle the night away, and wake up at 8 am the next day for a day of hand to hand combat on a boulder. Also, you might want to stop smelling your piss, because he's going to make you eat asparagus.
• He's a dude dude. This is the level of dude where you're exempt from having your sexuality questioned because your taste is that tooly. Justin's book choices can lure any Loosey Gooosey into bed, but the rest of his interests are straight dude. Buuuut, he likes Freakonomics, so I'm on Team Justin.

The Pictures

I would love to go hiking or bouldering with Justin so that I can be a pussy and whine about needing a Starbucks, or tell him that someone should pave some sidewalks so I don't ruin my shoes. Actually maybe I'll challenge him to a dance off. Have you seen me kill it during Darrin's Dance Grooves? Ain't no lie, bye, bye, bye.

Sharing is Caring

You'll be hit with a bundle of WASPy frat guy entries in the next few days, so ladies you might want to keep an eye out. Today's preppy frat guy is tomorrow's wealthy ex-husband, and if you slip him enough Roofies, he might not sign a prenup, so everyone's happy. Me? I'm just going to work on being the other woman by building up my LBD arsenal. In the mean time here's a drunk baby swearing at Will Ferrell. Enjoy, and don't be afraid to leave comments...for any post.

Ashley

Name: Ashley
Age: 18
Location: Miami, Florida

Why she's a star:

• The fifth picture in her general interests section reveals Ashley might be friends with New York from her "Flavor of Love" days.
• She ain't no ho, so all you haters can just step back. Also she warns that she will spontaneously break into her peroxide and lip gloss laden rendition of pop lock and drop it dance, so you might want to keep a taser nearby of you intend on going on a leisurely walk with her.
• She's an aspiring fashion designer who loves Uggs and hates skinny, pretty people. Well, Ash, good luck having your clothes modeled by zaftig trolls. Maybe in time you and your Abercrombie worshiping ass will be welcomed to the fashion world with open arms by sartorially illiterate, chubby mall rats.
  
• She counts philanthropists like Nicole Richie (rexy), Lindsay Lohan (recovering rexy), Paris Hilton, and that chick from "The Hills" among her heroes. Also on the list are Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp. You just know those two are just looking at each other like, "Aw, hell naw. I do charity work. I was nominated for a friggin' Oscar, and those hos flashed their bukilukis to cameras. I deserve no such company. Take me off the list." Meanwhile Carmen Electra is crying over her Red Bull and Stoli.
  
• She slices most of her friends out of her pictures. I can't blame her, though, they're probably pretty and anorexic, and Miss Ashley don't play dat.

The Pictures

I think Ashley should and Damien should hook up. They can go tanning together and then hop on over to the salon to have their hair fried. She can tell him about the splendor that is New Jersey, and he can tell her about the time he met K-Fed. Plus, their brood would have a monopoly on Mensa.

Rachel

Name: Rachel
Age: Who knows
Location: Inver, NZ

Why she's a star

• Omgz, guyz! Rachel totes LOVES Connor Oberst, like whoa. Which is great because the world really needs more pimply teens who idolize a guy who probably hates them. You see, she loves him, he loves her not, and one day she'll realize that dear ol' Bright Eyes doesn't know she exists, and she'll be even more emo. It's kind of like the thing Anderson Cooper and I have, but I'm not weak like Rachel, Anderson. I'm going to keep on trying to get closer to you. You hear me, Coop? I'm a fighter like X-tina.
• Homegirl needs to put less effort into her nauseating, pink profile, and put more effort into her learnin'. I would tell you to read her about me section, but I care about you and I fear your blood pressure might spike.
• She's honest. In one of the only properly spelled blurbs in her about me section Rachy confesses that she hates the way she looks. I hear ya, Rachel. I kinda hate the way you look too. Also in her unintelligible survey, when asked about her best feature, she says none. The girl knows of what she speaks.
• Rachel might have "embraced" the ugg, but she's not all that forthcoming with her music choices. First of all, she's, like, 12. A look at her 25 Most Played playlist on her iTunes would, no doubt, reveal she’s not as indie as she claims to be. You know she gets down to radio friendly tunes like we honest folk do. I prefer Feist over Fergie, but let’s be real here. Plus, Justin Timberlake is way cuter than Conor Oberst.

The Pictures





Rachel, meet me at camera four. Let me ask you something woman to twatwaffle, Rache. If you think you're so disgusting, why take a bazillion pictures of yourself? Are you fishing for compliments or something? Go on, git. I can't even look at you right now.

MSS Does News

Yes, Greg and I are, in fact, alive, but thanks for all your concerned emails. Kidding, we got no such emails. It's clear you guys don't care whether we perished in an unfortunate ANTM/AI related heart attack as long as we somehow keep coming with the funny. What is wrong with you people? Anyway, the true reason for this post is to send a heartfelt "I'm witcha, girl. I feels yer pain, mang." to our dear victim Monica because Kurt Vonnegut is dead. Well, Mon-Mon, it looks like you'll never meet him, way to be on top of things. Life's tough; get a helmet. That's all for now. We'll be back with actual posts as soon as tomorrow. I pwomise. Later days!

P.S. Go see if Monica wrote some awesome poetry about her heroe's passing.

We <3 Comments

We love that nearly 4 million of you visit us everyday, but we'd really like to know what you think! So, pretend that we're the photoset of an irritating emo kid and "leave us pix cmnts"

Bryan- Reader Nomination

Name: Bryan
Age: 29
Location: Taylorsville, North Carolina

Why he's a star:

• In his about me section, he lets us know that everything he's passionate about is a result of his relationship with Jesus, and that that fact doesn't make him cool, or uncool. Well, B-Spot, you're half right.
  
• He has a video of some little Jesus campers doing a funky little dance. The only person worth watching is the adult in the front because none of these girls were blessed with the gift of rhythm, but the audience doesn't give a rat's ass; they're all "Go, Jesus. Go, girls. Go, Jesus. Go, girls. Shake what the Lord gave ya." Watching the video kind of makes me want to become a Jesus camp dance choreographer, and teach dem girls to pop dat ass and shake it fast.
• He has the same profile song as Mayor Jim. But it all makes sense to me because, now that I think of it, I recall seeing those two in the commercial for TimeLife's Songs 4 Ship: Shout to the Lord.
  
• Bryan likes seeing people being saved, watching students fire at Jesus--oh, I'm sorry, that's get fired up FOR Jesus, and "any thing competitive." That last one kind of strikes me because I can totally see Bryan getting fired up for a rousing game of, "Guess why the other person is going to hell."

The Pictures

Happy Easter, Bryan. Your lurve for Him has landed you a much coveted spot on our little blog. I'm sorry I made fun of you because you really do seem like a sweet guy...for me to poop on! Zing!

Nominations Are Theraputic

Before I spay and castrate any further, I would like to echo Greg's sentiments and declare our favorite new tipster both awesome, and totally worthy of a harpooning himself. As fate would have it somebody nominated him, but he's given us such treasures that I think we're going to hold off on ridiculing his inexplicable love for a certain designer's fall '05 duds. So, nominate your friends, your enemies, or your asshole roommates. We really don't care who you nominate, but rest assured you'll feel great after we rip 'em a new one.

DanielKevin- Reader Nomination

Name: DanielKevin (one boring name would have sufficed, thankyouverymuch)
Age: 22
Location: Charlotte, North Carolina

Why he's a star:

• He's God's gift to men, and if you can't handle that, then step the eff away, bitch. Also if, you're fat and ugly step waaaay the eff away. DannyK, or Danny T. Kane as I like to call him, don't share no air with no fatties.
  
• He has this intoxicating delusion of grandeur that can lure gas out of your asshole. I have no clue what that means, but he actually thinks that the length of his hair is a controversial topic. Like people are begging him not to grow his hair out (probably because they know it looks like shit when it's long), and he's like, "No, haters. I need to do what I feel like doing, so let me go, and just listen."
• After talking about how awesome he is, and how people want to know what it's like to be him, he's all, "I'm a visual manager at forever21." Yeah, Danny T. Kane, I'm sure people are dying to know more about your luxurious life dressing mannequins and hanging "75% off of all sequined & bedazzled tops" signs in your store's window. For realz, DKnotY, when someone sees you steaming the season's hottest black and silver polyester trousers and asks you for a size, do you snap your fingers and tell them to be gone? Better yet, tell me your decal application techniques. f
  
• Oy vey! Enough with the pictures of yourself already, Danny T. It's difficult to tell if the overabundance of pictures of himself NOT in his photo section is result of narcissism, or simply because he has no representation, and he's praying Becky from "The Agency" will somehow stumble upon his profile and declare, "Bloo'y hell! This ki' is f*ckin' magic. I've go'uh put him on me, list...blah, blah, blah Mathias Lauridsen, blah, blah, that super hot guy from the J.Crew catalogues. Buttah!" There is one picture where he pretends to put a gun to his head. I say do it! I keed, Danny T. Take pills, that way you won't mess up your face.

The Pictures

DenialKevin has many interests, like, you know himself. If you too are interested in him, there are PLENTY of pictures you can look at right here. But people, people, don't say anything about his hair. He'll sic his Forever21 posse on you, and that's bound to get ugly.

Mikey - Reader Nomination

Name: Mikey B.
Age: 21
Location: Albany, NY

Why he's a star:

• This is our very first reader-nominated star. He was referred to us by a (probably) awesome guy! We want to blow the guy who sent us this nomination. and swallow!

• So this guy is hard to pick apart because he gives very little in his About Me section. This means that he can A) not write B) is even boring to himself, or C) recently lost his fingers, rendering him incapable of typing a shitty About Me section and therefore providing me with no material.

• I'm trying hard, like... as hard as Chris Richardson on American Idol makes me, to figure out just what the fuck this guy does for work. He says that he's a Fashion Designer (meaning he probably sketches Lara Croft-esque outfits and things in a notebook from time to time), a Business Marketer for Fashion (meaning he makes everyone look at his shitty drawings of outfits), and a Music Promoter (meaning he plays his favorite songs really loudly with the windows of his mom's car down). In all honestly, this guy probably does have a real job. Let's see: Fashion Deisgner + Business Marketer + Music Promoter = Waiter at Applebee's.

• He has this big, long list of videos of people filming themselves saying "hello" to him. This works in two ways. 1) Boosting his self-esteem, and 2) Making all the people who type "hello" look sooooo http://www.
  

Quick! Add this guy before his self-esteem plummets and he breaks out ol' Tetanus Jones. Tetanus Jones, just in case you were wondering, is the name of a fictitious razor blade cartoon character that I just now made up. Tetanus Jones is black, btw.

Jim

Name: Jim
Age: 31
Location: Tyrone, Pennsylvania
Why he's a star:

• The background to his profile is evocative of the reckoning. I've never experienced the reckoning, per se, but I imagine it involves cacti, lightning, and bad Jesus rock.
  
• He's the mayor of the great town of Tyrone, PA and he's on Myspace. Now, I know mayors are people too, and they have lives and all that gobbledygook, but don't you think that you should maybe, like, not have public personal profiles that sound even mildly evangelical? Just a thought, no need to condemn me to hell.
  
• He has a video that urges us to hear the battle cry and join in and do the Lord's work. That's all good, and more power to you, Jim, but the video is so not working for me. It's a dizzying mix of iPod and Target commercials, and the music video for "Seven Nation Army." And the song? Oh, goodness that song. It's like a mixture of Nickelback, and Creed. Hold on, my ears are bleeding; I need a moment.
  
• Dude, he was created to, like, bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth. If that's not star-worthy, then I don't know the meaning of the word.
  
• Jimmy, seems like a nice enough guy, so I'm going to commend him for not saying he wants to meet Jesus or God. I'm also being nice because he's a frickin' mayor, and I'm pretty sure he can have me tried for heresy and hanged, or something like that. They still do that crap, right?

The Pictures

If you're interested in helping Jim out with spreading the Word and whatnot, check him out here. While you're there, check out Jim's versatile smile and watch those videos because they're that good.

Chris

Name: Chris
Age: 17
Location: Seminole, Florida

Why he's a star:

• He showers with your mom.
  
• Chris is a player. I stumbled upon one of his profiles, and nearly used it because it's that good, but the pictures were too small. The main reason I didn't use him, though, was because he said he was looking for a relationship, but then he kind of broke my heart when I saw that he was already in a relationship. Imagine my surprise when I saw his handsome face again. This time his photos were big enough to use and he was single (there is a God).
• He's packin' huge, ladies and gentlemen. Not only is he the white Wilt Chamberlain, but in his profile where he's listed as being in a relationship, he also lets us know that he's a shy kisser, and an energizer bunny in bed. Nope, he's not overcompensating at all. My man Chris is honest. I mean, I read that and think, "I gosta get me a one-way plane ticket to Seminole, FL."
• His single profile has more surveys than a 14-year-old girl's. One survey, in particular, reveals a lot about him; he has self deprecating charm, and when it comes to his sexuality, homeboy is clearly figuring things out. When asked if he thought he looked good he gives the ole, "Nah, but everyone says I'm good looking." When asked if he's kissed someone of the opposite sex, he fires back with, "of course." How dare you ask that? He's a man's man. Chris gets down all day every day. He luuurves the ladies, especially Madonna, Kylie Minogue, Christina Aguilera and Cher...in concert.
  

The Pictures

Get to know Chirs, or Negro Thunder as he likes to call himself, as a taken man, or as a single guy.

Monica

Name: Monica
Age: 21
Location: In or around Grinnell, Iowa

Why she's a star:

• She doesn't contextualize anything. I've met people like that, and I hate them. Instead of answering the damn question they retort with some inane drivel about a glass of water, the universe and elephants. Shut it, and just tell the cashier if you want your receipt in the bag.
  

• Though her choice in colleges might suggest otherwise, homegirl is a pseudointellectual. I know what you're thinking, "Oh, Pamela. You're a sage goddess and Jess Stam ain't nothing on you." You'd be right in thinking so, but you'd also be right in questioning my logic. A gander at Monica's interest section makes it all crystal clear. Rather than list an author's most resonant work, she just lists the author's name because she's read everything the author has put to paper. She's that book learn'd, y'all. Plus, you know she read Canterbury Tales for fun...when she was 10.
  

• What, bitch? Under your favorite television show you say,"saucer-like eyes drift towards their respective sides and separate, never to be considered a pair again.." First of all ellipses have three periods, secondly, we get it you don't watch television. But if Kurt Vonnegut had a show, you know this ho would snuggle up on the couch with a jar of vegan con queso and seaweed chips and watch til the sky is gray, trees wilting from guilt of the punishing earth..

• She says that she's an aesthete by profession, but she also procures proselytes (a term she totally ganked from an art history course) which pretty much means that she's one of those gallery snobs who smokes cloves, tries super hard to come across as obsceuro* and pimps out chickenheads on the side.

The Pictures

As you can tell by the quick summary of her [insert pretentious adjective here] profile, Monica is h to the il HILARIOUS! Check her out here. Who knows maybe she'll want to meet up to ponder Polaroids over some baby arugula mint tea and organic Peruvian orphans..

*Obscuero: obscure and Euro.

The Eastern Part Of The World Loves MySpace Stars!

New visitors today from:
Karnataka, India! (Was that you, Sanjaya Malakar?)
Herefordshire, UK!
Seoul, Korea!
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia!